BGA fortune cookies :: humorists
fortune index   all fortunes

#5937I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
-- Firesign Theatre
#5938I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
working for scale.
-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
#5939I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.

It's about Russia.
-- Woody Allen
#5940I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
degrees today," and I said "Oops."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
I never have to go upstairs.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
-- Steven Wright
#5941I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
to be out that long."

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
-- Steven Wright
#5942I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
-- Steven Wright
#5943I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
-- Steven Wright
#5944"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway."
-- Steven Wright
#5945I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
that all the time..."
-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
#5946I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy
argument about what I considered an Odd number.
-- Steven Wright
  prev   1 3 4 5 6 7 8 9   10   11 12 ... 20   next  

art   computers   cookie   definitions   education   ethnic   food   fortunes   humorists   kids   law   literature   love   medicine   men-women   news   paradoxum   people   pets   platitudes   politics   riddles   science   sports   wisdom   work  

User Functions
You're not logged in! If you don't have an account yet, please register one and get your very own elite (but free) BGA account!
Cars and Bikes
Celebs (female)
Celebs (male)
Food and Drinks
Movies and TV
Search keywords:
Detailed view
Top Backgrounds
link to BGA - contact us
fortunes - donate - advertise
Terms of Service